We Exist: Paula Dennan

Tell us about you!

I'm a queer angry feminist, activist, writer and book reviewer. When not spending far too much time online, I can usually be found organising with pro-choice groups. Always learning. 

When did you first know you were bi+?

I was 28. I’d been out as gay since my teens, I never had a big ah-ha moment about it and it didn’t cause me any angst or stress. I just was, until I wasn’t. ​

Paula Dennan

Questioning my sexuality in my 20s was something I didn’t expect. It wasn’t without its ups and downs, what the fuck moments, lots of soul searching and dismantling the internalised biphobia I felt that lead me to say and do some things I wouldn’t say or do today. I eventually realised that for me sexuality is a spectrum and being bisexual now doesn’t mean I was lying to myself or others when I was gay. My sexuality evolved and I’m OK with that. ​

Are you out as a bi+ person?

I am. I was out as gay, so coming out as bi was both an easy and complicated task. Easy because it never occurred to me to remain in the closet, something I am eternally grateful for. Complicated because people were used to me being gay, were used to me only dating women and seeing me any other way, took some people time to get used to. Some people never accepted it, which was difficult to accept at the time. For many it wasn’t an issue at all.

Funny story - my now husband and I almost didn’t get together because he thought I was gay. When we met there was an immediate connection between us, but he didn’t think it would ever turn romantic. It took a few months before I realised he had missed my coming out as bi, so I set him straight (pun most definitely intended!) and, well, we got married so you can guess what happened next. ​

When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?

Most accepted - In the Bi+ Ireland community. I would be lost without the people I’ve met and friendships I’ve made within the group. Whether people are out outside of the group or not, we all see each other and we know that each one of us matters. That’s incredibly powerful.

We all see each other and we know that each one of us matters. That’s incredibly powerful.

Least accepted - I’ve made no secret of the fact that I found the bi-erasure of the Yes Equality campaign difficult to deal with. So many bi+, trans and non-binary people were made to feel at best like allies in a campaign that directly impacted them and at worst like their experiences and feelings didn’t matter. I still feel anger, sadness and frustration about that. ​

What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?

Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight. 

The question I wish people asked - What can I do to help stop biphobia? This isn't something bi+ people can do alone. We need help. We need others to call it out when they see it. Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight. People's sexuality isn’t dependent on the gender and sexuality of the person they’re dating. Believe us when we talk about our experiences. ​