Questioning my sexuality in my 20s was something I didn’t expect. It wasn’t without its ups and downs, what the fuck moments, lots of soul searching and dismantling the internalised biphobia I felt that lead me to say and do some things I wouldn’t say or do today. I eventually realised that for me sexuality is a spectrum and being bisexual now doesn’t mean I was lying to myself or others when I was gay. My sexuality evolved and I’m OK with that. Are you out as a bi+ person?I am. I was out as gay, so coming out as bi was both an easy and complicated task. Easy because it never occurred to me to remain in the closet, something I am eternally grateful for. Complicated because people were used to me being gay, were used to me only dating women and seeing me any other way, took some people time to get used to. Some people never accepted it, which was difficult to accept at the time. For many it wasn’t an issue at all. Funny story - my now husband and I almost didn’t get together because he thought I was gay. When we met there was an immediate connection between us, but he didn’t think it would ever turn romantic. It took a few months before I realised he had missed my coming out as bi, so I set him straight (pun most definitely intended!) and, well, we got married so you can guess what happened next. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
Least accepted - I’ve made no secret of the fact that I found the bi-erasure of the Yes Equality campaign difficult to deal with. So many bi+, trans and non-binary people were made to feel at best like allies in a campaign that directly impacted them and at worst like their experiences and feelings didn’t matter. I still feel anger, sadness and frustration about that.
The question I wish people asked - What can I do to help stop biphobia? This isn't something bi+ people can do alone. We need help. We need others to call it out when they see it. Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight. People's sexuality isn’t dependent on the gender and sexuality of the person they’re dating. Believe us when we talk about our experiences.
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I've had bi+ experiences since I was very young. They never felt weird to me. I never stressed about it. Well, that's half true. I have two distinct memories of having anxious times, mainly I wanted to explore more with women, but I had no idea how to.
When I was about 22, and in a long term relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I began to wonder about being with women again. Because it was something I was still unsure of, I became incredibly focused on it. I spent a whole summer wondering if I was, in fact, gay. Anyway, all of this is to say, one day my boyfriend at the time walked out of the shower naked and I grinned while checking out his behind. And I had this sudden realisation (or affirmation) that no, in fact, I was absolutely attracted to him and men in general. And to women. And that was just undeniably true. A fact. And it was ok. It was a huge relief, because I hadnt been able to bring myself to speak to anyone about my feelings that summer. I stayed happily in that relationship for many more years. And I found my voice and talked about it with my partner and friends about being bi.
Denied a community, a language and experiences. I try not to be regretful, but so much of my anguish could have been avoided. That's why I volunteer as a coordinator with Bi+ Ireland. Visibility matters. It's also why I am labouring over this series, I think/hope it can make a difference.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?
I remember agreeing with some of the girls in primary school about how cute our mutual friend's older brother was. I hadn't even thought twice about what I was saying but suddenly I was being ridiculed. It was almost another 10 years before I told anyone that I was open to dating any gender. I think the first time I realised that other people did feel like this and that they identified as bisexual was actually while watching "Desperate Housewives" one night with my mam when I was about 15. I don't remember the character's name but I do remember him clearly articulating that he was bi and finding that exciting because it seemed to fit my own experience.
Still, seeing no LGBT+ people in the town where I grew up, and the lack of acceptance for those thought to not be straight resulted in many years of convincing myself that it was best to stay in the closet. My sexuality became a source of significant anxiety for me, though nobody else would realise this. Later, in my final year of college, a drunken confession to a gay friend led to my first time kissing a guy. It was only then that I really knew that I wanted to embrace my sexuality for what it was. It wasn't easy, it took more years, but I began to come out and to explore my identity and our community. Getting involved in LGBT+ activism really helped this process! Are you out as a bi+ person?I am lucky enough to be out to my family, friends and colleagues. However, coming out took a long time. For several years, it was just a few close friends and my girlfriend at the time who knew, and I barely ever talked about it. It is only since the months after the Marriage Equality referendum that this has been the case though. This campaign gave me the chance to participate in LGBT+ spaces without fear of being outed or of feeling like an outsider. I met many fantastic people during this, including my first boyfriend. This gave me the confidence to come out, and this was the most liberating thing I have ever done. It wasn't easy, and it was particularly difficult to ensure that people understood my bi identity, but I'm fortunate to have friends and family who support me and the LGBT+ community. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?Most accepted - I've immersed myself in the local LGBT community since coming out and in activism more broadly. I feel a tremendous sense of belonging in these spaces, but my bi identity is often not known or forgotten about. I'm usually assumed to be straight or gay depending on where I am and who I'm with. The most accepted I've ever felt as a bi person was the first time I met the other coordinators from Bi+ Ireland. We shared our stories, much like this, and it was refreshing to have the usual interest and acceptance to be accompanied by real understanding.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?I wish people would simply ask what the best aspects of being bi are instead of making the usual assumptions. I would tell them that it is liberating to be part of, and learn from, a group embraces true diversity, practices radical inclusion and combats oppression of all forms.
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This organisation is run 100% by volunteer coordinators. We welcome donations and promise 100% transparency with our spending. Learn more here.
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Bi+ Ireland is a network of people who fit somewhere under the bi+ umbrella, and who have close ties to Ireland. We are community group run by volunteers. You can reach us at biirelandnetwork@gmail.com.
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