We Exist: Jess Connor

Tell us about you

​Irish, cis woman, fat, supremely privileged, bi as fuck, pro choice, feminist. I've worked in tech as a Project Manager for 7+ years.

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When did you first know you were bi+?

Jess Connor

I've had bi+ experiences since I was very young. They never felt weird to me. I never stressed about it. Well, that's half true. I have two distinct memories of having anxious times, mainly I wanted to explore more with women, but I had no idea how to. 

As a 17 year old teenager I remember being online and talking with women, and desperately wanting to meet up with them, but being terrified at the prospect of meeting someone 'from the internet'. LGBT+ womxn just weren't around where I grew up, and so I felt trapped. This was the first time I ever felt like I was doing something taboo. There were no LGBT resources, and there wasn't a lot of representation in the media. I felt lost and alone. ​

"There were no LGBT resources, and there wasnt a lot of representation in the media."

When I was about 22, and in a long term relationship with a cis man, I began to wonder about being with womxn again. Because it was something I was still unsure of, I became incredibly focused on it. I spent a whole summer wondering if I was, in fact, gay.

Anyway, all of this is to say, one day my boyfriend at the time walked out of the shower naked and I grinned while checking out his behind. And I had this sudden realisation (or affirmation) that no, in fact, I was absolutely attracted to him and men in general. And to womxn and non binary folk. And that was just undeniably true. A fact. And it was ok. It was a huge relief, because I hadnt been able to bring myself to speak to anyone about my feelings that summer. I stayed happily in that relationship for many more years. And I found my voice and talked about it with my partner and friends about being bi+.​

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Are you out as a bi+ person?

​Yes, but it took me until I was 29 to be 100% public about it even though I've been having bi+ experiences since I was very young and my partners and friends had known. When I look back at my life and experiences, I feel denied. ​

Denied a community, a language and experiences. I try not to be regretful, but so much of my anguish could have been avoided. That's why I volunteer as a coordinator with Bi+ Ireland. Visibility matters. It's also why I am labouring over this series, I think/hope it can make a difference.

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When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?

The most accepted? The Bi+ Ireland community. The group. The people who I march with us at pride, who might be total strangers, but who stand with me and all of us and declare that we are here and queer and we matter. We exist.

The least? I hated talking about or marching for equal marriage rights, and feeling like I was 'just an ally', and not someone who this directly impacted. So that was an internal struggle. It was part of what made me come out, and eventually find acceptance.​

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What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?

​I wish people understood the complexity of being bi+. Because we are everywhere on the spectrum, we're not easy to put in neat little boxes. So I wish people would ask how they could help more. I'd tell them to accept us, no matter where we are in our bi-ness. Just to believe us, and accept us as valid without question.

"Ask us how you can help. Believe us."

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