 I had an overwhelming crush on her before I'd even hit puberty; just looking at her had me struggling to breathe. It made me squirm and look away, and then look again. I couldn't stop looking. I didn't learn the term for what I was experiencing until later, having picked it up through an overexposure to adult literature and fanfiction. I was 12 when I learned the term and 13 when I dared to mumble it in front of a girl from school that had knots forming inside me whenever I was alone with her. Are you out as a bi+ person?I am as out as I can be without shouting it from the rooftops with a megaphone while planes streak the bi-pride tricolour through the air overhead. I've been out online since I was a teenager, though it was to a few select people that I trusted. I didn't come out to people offline until the summer of 2014. I was almost 22 at the time. That summer was when I came out to family, and it didn't go well in the least. I was told I couldn't be trusted to go on a vacation alone with the most wonderful female friend I could ever ask for - even though we all knew she was as straight as an arrow. I was no longer trustworthy, as though being attracted to women made me a danger suddenly, as though I couldn't control the urges I felt. Understandably, I was more hurt than I can ever express...but I pushed past the pain of that moment. I refused to retreat into the closet. If anything, I became more prideful. I've come out to more and more people since then. I don't think it ever stops. But I still get to choose who has the right to know who I am because some don't deserve the right. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?I have never felt more accepted than when I discovered Bi+ Ireland existed. Largely, I'd been isolated from other people like me. I felt like I was the one queer in the entire village. Online friends living in other countries were the one solace I had at the time. I was suffocating from loneliness and isolation. But that changed in 2016. The shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando happened earlier that year, and that was what drove me out the door. It drove me to attend the Pride festival scheduled in Cork City, and it was the first time I'd ever been brave enough to do so because I was an introvert that often struggled with anxiety. I went to the Pride Picnic and came upon one of those info books that gets printed around that time. There was an article from a member of Bi+ Ireland inside. I almost ran home once I was finished at the picnic and I scrambled to turn the computer on. I found their facebook page as soon as possible and liked it immediately, and I was quick to inform the administrators that I wanted to join the secret group being advertised on their page. That night I was invited to join an unofficial meet-up later that week. I couldn't breathe. I was shaking with nerves. It was the first time I ever dared to go to a bar where I wouldn't know a single person. The first thing I saw when someone from the group arrived was a man wearing a purple shirt and pulling a bi-pride flag from his backpack. I almost cried in relief and euphoria. I was home. The shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando happened earlier that year, and that was what drove me out the door. It drove me to attend the Pride festival scheduled in Cork City The moment I felt least accepted? That was during the marriage referendum in 2015. My best friend was on her erasmus in Germany, and I was visiting her family, because her home had become a refuge to me whenever mine was too toxic for me to cope with. I went to her house so I could breathe. I went to her house so I could feel loved and wanted. I made the mistake of mentioning how excited I was for the impending referendum and my best friend's mother thought I meant the other one. I was quick to correct her. The kitchen went dead silent as soon as the words escaped me. It was as though I'd been plunged into the heart of the Atlantic at the height of winter. No one spoke afterwards. I was being driven home within an hour of mentioning the referendum. Usually, my best friend's mother would drive me home after visiting, but she didn't drive me home that night. It was another visitor to the house that drove me home instead. While she was driving, she told me "it wasn't personal." But it felt damned personal. It felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart with a shard of ice. She went on to say, "We don't talk about the referendum in that house. It just starts arguments between the parents and kids." Neither of us spoke after that. She dropped me outside my house. I had to hide the trembles in my hands as I opened the door and stepped inside. I didn't speak to anyone. I just went down to bed. I broke down in tears. What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?I just want people to ask: How can I help make it better?
I want people to want to help us.
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Questioning my sexuality in my 20s was something I didn’t expect. It wasn’t without its ups and downs, what the fuck moments, lots of soul searching and dismantling the internalised biphobia I felt that lead me to say and do some things I wouldn’t say or do today. I eventually realised that for me sexuality is a spectrum and being bisexual now doesn’t mean I was lying to myself or others when I was gay. My sexuality evolved and I’m OK with that. Are you out as a bi+ person?I am. I was out as gay, so coming out as bi was both an easy and complicated task. Easy because it never occurred to me to remain in the closet, something I am eternally grateful for. Complicated because people were used to me being gay, were used to me only dating women and seeing me any other way, took some people time to get used to. Some people never accepted it, which was difficult to accept at the time. For many it wasn’t an issue at all. Funny story - my now husband and I almost didn’t get together because he thought I was gay. When we met there was an immediate connection between us, but he didn’t think it would ever turn romantic. It took a few months before I realised he had missed my coming out as bi, so I set him straight (pun most definitely intended!) and, well, we got married so you can guess what happened next. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
Least accepted - I’ve made no secret of the fact that I found the bi-erasure of the Yes Equality campaign difficult to deal with. So many bi+, trans and non-binary people were made to feel at best like allies in a campaign that directly impacted them and at worst like their experiences and feelings didn’t matter. I still feel anger, sadness and frustration about that.
The question I wish people asked - What can I do to help stop biphobia? This isn't something bi+ people can do alone. We need help. We need others to call it out when they see it. Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight. People's sexuality isn’t dependent on the gender and sexuality of the person they’re dating. Believe us when we talk about our experiences.
I remember agreeing with some of the girls in primary school about how cute our mutual friend's older brother was. I hadn't even thought twice about what I was saying but suddenly I was being ridiculed. It was almost another 10 years before I told anyone that I was open to dating any gender. I think the first time I realised that other people did feel like this and that they identified as bisexual was actually while watching "Desperate Housewives" one night with my mam when I was about 15. I don't remember the character's name but I do remember him clearly articulating that he was bi and finding that exciting because it seemed to fit my own experience.
Still, seeing no LGBT+ people in the town where I grew up, and the lack of acceptance for those thought to not be straight resulted in many years of convincing myself that it was best to stay in the closet. My sexuality became a source of significant anxiety for me, though nobody else would realise this. Later, in my final year of college, a drunken confession to a gay friend led to my first time kissing a guy. It was only then that I really knew that I wanted to embrace my sexuality for what it was. It wasn't easy, it took more years, but I began to come out and to explore my identity and our community. Getting involved in LGBT+ activism really helped this process! Are you out as a bi+ person?I am lucky enough to be out to my family, friends and colleagues. However, coming out took a long time. For several years, it was just a few close friends and my girlfriend at the time who knew, and I barely ever talked about it. It is only since the months after the Marriage Equality referendum that this has been the case though. This campaign gave me the chance to participate in LGBT+ spaces without fear of being outed or of feeling like an outsider. I met many fantastic people during this, including my first boyfriend. This gave me the confidence to come out, and this was the most liberating thing I have ever done. It wasn't easy, and it was particularly difficult to ensure that people understood my bi identity, but I'm fortunate to have friends and family who support me and the LGBT+ community. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?Most accepted - I've immersed myself in the local LGBT community since coming out and in activism more broadly. I feel a tremendous sense of belonging in these spaces, but my bi identity is often not known or forgotten about. I'm usually assumed to be straight or gay depending on where I am and who I'm with. The most accepted I've ever felt as a bi person was the first time I met the other coordinators from Bi+ Ireland. We shared our stories, much like this, and it was refreshing to have the usual interest and acceptance to be accompanied by real understanding.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?I wish people would simply ask what the best aspects of being bi are instead of making the usual assumptions. I would tell them that it is liberating to be part of, and learn from, a group embraces true diversity, practices radical inclusion and combats oppression of all forms.
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This organisation is run 100% by volunteer coordinators. We welcome donations and promise 100% transparency with our spending. Learn more here.
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Bi+ Ireland is a network of people who fit somewhere under the bi+ umbrella, and who have close ties to Ireland. We are community group run by volunteers. You can reach us at biirelandnetwork@gmail.com.
As a pro-choice organisation we support Together for Yes - the national civil society campaign to remove the 8th amendment from the Constitution. |