We Exist Stories

We Exist: Cíara Doyle

22/8/2017

Tell us about you!

It is so hard to determine how I identify - like most people there is so much that is integral to my being. I am bisexual, polyamorous and utterly confused by my gender although I was born female. I am proud to be Irish in particular a Northside Dub. I am a geek and nerd. I am depressed and generally a very anxious introvert. I see myself as a gender equalist who is very interested in ensuring thought and consideration is given to everyone.

Cíara Doyle

When did you first know you were bi+?

From a very young age (maybe 4) I was interested in both girls and boys. Soon I became confused though. I knew it was okay to like girls. I knew it was okay to like boys. But I was the freak that liked both. So I kept it to myself. As I reached my pre teen years I quickly realised that not everyone was okay with people being gay. Soon I became even more frightened of the idea of telling people that I liked girls but still I found myself attracted time and time again to people in my class (a good catholic all girl school). It was only in my discovery of emo music did I first come across the term bisexuality. And suddenly, just like wearing my glasses for the first time, I could see clearly, I knew what was going on and I finally felt comfortable in my sexual preferences.

And suddenly, just like wearing my glasses for the first time, I could see clearly, I knew what was going on and I finally felt comfortable in my sexual preferences.

Are you out as a bi+ person?

I would love to say I am fully out as bi but I don’t think it is that simple. Nearly everyday people see me with my cis male partner and my baby girl and assume I am heterosexual. All too often I make a comment of a female celebrity crush and I am met with confused looks, that’s when I find myself coming out once again. Although at least now I am confident in my sexuality and confident that I can take on any challenge in my stride. Though to be honest since I first came out at 15 I have generally speaking not been afraid to say who I was. Despite being locked in bathrooms, being spat upon and losing my first beautiful girlfriend to biphobia I always tended to stand up for my sexuality and fought for respect of those who meant to put me down. That was of course for everyone bar my family, it wasn’t until MarRef that I found the confidence to come out to my family while ranting about the need for people to vote yes.

I always tended to stand up for my sexuality and fought for respect off those who meant to put me down.

When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?

In fear of sounding cheesy I have never felt so accepted as when I became a coordinator of Bi+ Ireland. Amongst our amazing online community I have found my people. I have found those who understand the frustration of hearing the phrase “Oh she is gay again” and I have found wonderful people who are just so beautifully kind and considerate. On top of our outstanding group I realised something else on becoming a coordinator of Bi+ Ireland: a level of respect I didn’t know my sexuality had amongst my family. A cousin in particular is very fond of directing any bi+ friends in our direction proudly stating my small involvement in the group.

As the weeks of campaigning escalated and the ferocity of the debate heated up I found myself crying alone on more occasions than I wish to think about.

In contrast the MarRef lead to a lot of moments that had me feeling anything but accepted. Like many people I advocated a Yes vote any opportunity I got. I was involved with several Yes Vote campaigns and community groups. As the weeks of campaigning escalated and the ferocity of the debate heated up I found myself crying alone on more occasions than I wish to think about. From personal attacks to more generalised social media frenzies the cruelty of the campaign hit me time and time again. However amongst all this the moment that stands out for me the most is while I was at a community yes vote planning session. In this tiny room of allies I was the only LGBT member in the group. But all too often I was reminded by these allies that I was not actually “LGBT”. One day in particular we were recording videos on why we wanted people to vote yes to post as part of our social media campaign.

In contrast the MarRef lead to a lot of moments that had me feeling anything but accepted.

My video naturally spoke of love and how I felt that as a bisexual, society was invalidating part of my sexuality by saying yes I can marry a future boyfriend but no I couldn't marry a future girlfriend. Now this video was much more adequately worded at the time but however my video was the only one that didn’t make the social media cut as “It was rude to suggest that bisexuals have a say in this vote because honestly it is nothing to do with them if gay people get to marry or not. And honestly Cíara you have to stop this attention seeking, even if you are really bi this isn’t about you lot.” Needless to say I ended up posting a series of videos to my own social media, none of which got shared by the group as they were "diluting and confusing the issue". However JK Rowling did retweet one which made me so giddy that for a brief moment I didn't care about the negativity.

What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?

Simple: 'How can I help?'
Whether that is an lgbt organisation asking how can they help integrate Bi+ into the space. Or someone asking how they can help fight biphobia or bi erasure. Like everyone in the world us bi+ peeps need help and I wish people would just ask how they can help!

0 Comments

We Exist: Jess Connor

2/8/2017

0 Comments

Tell us about you

Irish, cis woman, fat, educated, supremely privileged, bi as fuck, pro choice, feminist. I've worked in tech as a Project Manager for 7+ years.

When did you first know you were bi+?

Jess Connor

I've had bi+ experiences since I was very young. They never felt weird to me. I never stressed about it. Well, that's half true. I have two distinct memories of having anxious times, mainly I wanted to explore more with women, but I had no idea how to.

As a 17 year old teenager I remember being online and talking with women, and desperately wanting to meet up with them, but being terrified at the prospect of meeting someone 'from the internet'. LGBT women just weren't around where I grew up, and so I felt trapped. This was the first time I ever felt like I was doing something taboo. There were no LGBT resources, and there wasn't a lot of representation in the media. I felt lost and alone.

"There were no LGBT resources, and there wasnt a lot of representation in the media."

When I was about 22, and in a long term relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I began to wonder about being with women again. Because it was something I was still unsure of, I became incredibly focused on it. I spent a whole summer wondering if I was, in fact, gay.

Anyway, all of this is to say, one day my boyfriend at the time walked out of the shower naked and I grinned while checking out his behind. And I had this sudden realisation (or affirmation) that no, in fact, I was absolutely attracted to him and men in general. And to women. And that was just undeniably true. A fact. And it was ok. It was a huge relief, because I hadnt been able to bring myself to speak to anyone about my feelings that summer. I stayed happily in that relationship for many more years. And I found my voice and talked about it with my partner and friends about being bi.

Are you out as a bi+ person?

Yes, but it took me until I was 29 to be 100% public about it even though I've been having bi+ experiences since I was very young. When I look back at my life and experiences, I feel denied.

Denied a community, a language and experiences. I try not to be regretful, but so much of my anguish could have been avoided. That's why I volunteer as a coordinator with Bi+ Ireland. Visibility matters. It's also why I am labouring over this series, I think/hope it can make a difference.

When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?

The most accepted? The Bi+ Ireland community. The group. The people who I march with us at pride, who might be total strangers, but who stand with me and all of us and declare that we are here and queer and we matter. We exist.

The least? I hated talking about or marching for equal marriage rights, and feeling like I was 'just an ally', and not someone who this directly impacted. So that was an internal struggle. It was part of what made me come out, and eventually find acceptance.

What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?

I wish people understood the complexity of being bi+. Because we are everywhere on the spectrum, we're not easy to put in neat little boxes. So I wish people would ask how they could help more. I'd tell them to accept us, no matter where we are in our bi-ness. Just to believe us, and accept us as valid without question.

"Ask us how you can help. Believe us."

Submit your own story

0 Comments

We Exist: Cíara Doyle

Tell us about you!

When did you first know you were bi+?

Are you out as a bi+ person?

When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?

What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?

We Exist: Jess Connor

Tell us about you

When did you first know you were bi+?

Are you out as a bi+ person?

When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?

What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?

Archives

Categories