I remember being fascinated by the concept. But I also remember clearly getting the impression from it that bisexuality was something incredibly rare. I don't remember if my 12 year old self had any inkling that I might not be straight. I do remember thinking that if it was that rare, I had nothing to worry about.
The next thing I remember was a couple of years later. I can't recall the context, but I have this memory of me, awake through the night terrified that I might be gay. I guess I must have been about fourteen or fifteen? But I shoved that feeling right back down - I knew I had crushes on guys, and bisexuality was really rare, wasn't it? So it must not be me. Being anything other than straight felt impossibly scary to me.
Are you out as a bi+ person?
I sure am!
It's weird, though. I'm not sure how it's possible to be more out than I am - especially after I said "I'm Aoife, and I'm bisexual" in front of how many thousands of people at Dublin Pride? But when I'm in lesbian spaces, people still assume I'm gay all the time. And I still don't correct them most of the time, because I feel a lot like that means I have to be a perfect bi person and sometimes I just want to drink a lot of gin and dance badly (like really badly) and not have to defend myself, you know? I feel badly about that. I put myself under a lot of pressure to be out. I feel so lucky - my family and friends love me just as I am. I work in a company I cofounded where most of my coworkers are queer women. I have a ton of privileges that so many other bi+ people lack. If I can't be out everywhere, then who can be?! I often wish that there was a way that I could simply be out, without having to repeat it all the time. I feel like there are ways that people can signal to the world that they're gay, that are pretty much understood. They aren't ideal for everyone, but they exist. But there isn't really a way that you can be that leads to people assuming that you're bi+. You have to say it over and over again, and you have to defend it constantly. You don't get to just come out and be done with it. That's exhausting. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
As for feeling least accepted?
I hated the pressure during the marriage referendum campaign for bi+ people to keep relatively quiet about our orientations. That time was incredibly difficult for all LGBTQ+ people, of course. But every time I saw the phrase "equal marriage for gay and lesbian people", or heard about how this was going to be so important for gay and lesbian people, my stomach lurched. Because it felt like, just as much as the No side was against me, even the Yes side wanted to shove people like me under the carpet. Like many people, I worked hard during the campaign - knocking on doors, talking to everyone I could, writing articles, even sending handwritten notes to everyone in our apartment complex to ask them to vote for our rights. It hurt a lot to know that the campaign that meant so much to me wouldn't even admit that it was fighting for equal marriage for bi people as well. It felt like we were too shameful to put on a poster. That still hurts, if I'm honest. What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?
I wish they'd ask what it is actually like being bi+ in the world, and that they'd listen without preconceptions.
We get asked the same questions all the time, you know? Normally trying to put us into a "really" gay or "really" straight category. And then we get told the same things- either that we're really one or the other, or that we're privileged 'cause we can be in both gay and straight spaces. I wish people would ask what it's like to have to spend your life being assumed to be something you're not, no matter where you go. I wish they'd listen to how it feels less like a privilege, than being continually shoved into one closet or another, over and over again. How stifling it feels to have different aspects of your self dismissed, and how the small bi+ spaces that we create feel like breathing fresh air for the very first time, every time.
I wish they'd ask what it's like to always have to worry about coming out to the person who you fancy and who fancies you back. To have to handle insecurities and misconceptions about your orientation from your partner. To have the person you love see your sexuality- the very thing that drew you to them in the first place- as an obstacle to get over and not something important and good about you.
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When did you first know you were bi+?
Are you out as a bi+ person?
I would love to say I am fully out as bi but I don’t think it is that simple. Nearly everyday people see me with my cis male partner and my baby girl and assume I am heterosexual. All too often I make a comment of a female celebrity crush and I am met with confused looks, that’s when I find myself coming out once again. Although at least now I am confident in my sexuality and confident that I can take on any challenge in my stride. Though to be honest since I first came out at 15 I have generally speaking not been afraid to say who I was. Despite being locked in bathrooms, being spat upon and losing my first beautiful girlfriend to biphobia I always tended to stand up for my sexuality and fought for respect of those who meant to put me down. That was of course for everyone bar my family, it wasn’t until MarRef that I found the confidence to come out to my family while ranting about the need for people to vote yes.
When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
In fear of sounding cheesy I have never felt so accepted as when I became a coordinator of Bi+ Ireland. Amongst our amazing online community I have found my people. I have found those who understand the frustration of hearing the phrase “Oh she is gay again” and I have found wonderful people who are just so beautifully kind and considerate. On top of our outstanding group I realised something else on becoming a coordinator of Bi+ Ireland: a level of respect I didn’t know my sexuality had amongst my family. A cousin in particular is very fond of directing any bi+ friends in our direction proudly stating my small involvement in the group.
As the weeks of campaigning escalated and the ferocity of the debate heated up I found myself crying alone on more occasions than I wish to think about.
In contrast the MarRef lead to a lot of moments that had me feeling anything but accepted. Like many people I advocated a Yes vote any opportunity I got. I was involved with several Yes Vote campaigns and community groups. As the weeks of campaigning escalated and the ferocity of the debate heated up I found myself crying alone on more occasions than I wish to think about. From personal attacks to more generalised social media frenzies the cruelty of the campaign hit me time and time again. However amongst all this the moment that stands out for me the most is while I was at a community yes vote planning session. In this tiny room of allies I was the only LGBT member in the group. But all too often I was reminded by these allies that I was not actually “LGBT”. One day in particular we were recording videos on why we wanted people to vote yes to post as part of our social media campaign.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?
Simple: 'How can I help?'
Whether that is an lgbt organisation asking how can they help integrate Bi+ into the space. Or someone asking how they can help fight biphobia or bi erasure. Like everyone in the world us bi+ peeps need help and I wish people would just ask how they can help!
I grew up in rural Ireland and as a teen I'd have loved to have a safe space to be myself and discuss my sexuality with peers, but I never had that. This experience immediately drew me to the advocacy side of our LGBT+ community when I did find them, so I threw myself into being involved in LGBT+ spaces in college. Sadly, these spaces were where I experienced some of the worst biphobia of my life... but it empowered me to try and stay involved and change these experiences for others. I want to help build spaces and understanding for our bi+ community, where we're not erased or reduced to a joke. This journey led me to becoming involved with Bi+ Ireland, which is honestly one of the best decisions of my life! Are you out as a bi+ person?
When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?The one thing I wished I was asked is from gay-centric spaces and "LGBT" organisations. It's "How could we do better to include bi+ people?" There is so much progress with the gay and trans movements that has me beaming with pride, but I'm tired of bi+ people being marginalised in the majority of LGBT+ spaces. We need to do better.
Tell us about you!
Are you out as a bi+ person?I came out toward the end of my time in grammar school, first to someone who I thought might be bisexual too (who came out to me pretty much simultaneously), and then to others I trusted. Soon I was quite assertively out there, even if still not out at home. I took going to college as an opportunity to be fully out, and was active in the LGB (now LGBTQ+) society, leading it during the second year of my studies. Since then I’ve been pretty thoroughly out in just about every context and circumstance including at work, in professional organisations, to my kids, and so on. How I’m perceived is another matter though, and people will almost always assume you are monosexual. When I was younger I was sometimes read as gay, and now I’m almost always read as straight, either way an assumption that isn’t correct. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?Most of all when among other bi+ people. Bi+ Ireland itself would be a prime example, and the last three years at Pride when I’ve marched with them have had much more of a sense of belonging than the first Prides I went to in the 1990s. But there have been other times in my life when I’ve been in groups where several of us where out as bi+ and it was just part of the norm of that group. Circles that might sometimes be considered “alternative” like the kink scene and the pagan community can often be among the most accepting groups, but they can also be among the least so, too; being deemed as outside of the mainstream can often encourage acceptance but also lead some to exclude those who are outside of that perceived mainstream in more ways than one.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?Whether we feel we might have a different perspective on some of the assumptions cissexist-heterosexist society expects us to make, because just sometimes we can do; not to an extent that gives us any sort of get-out-conditioning-free card, but enough to make different contradictions stand out
Questioning my sexuality in my 20s was something I didn’t expect. It wasn’t without its ups and downs, what the fuck moments, lots of soul searching and dismantling the internalised biphobia I felt that lead me to say and do some things I wouldn’t say or do today. I eventually realised that for me sexuality is a spectrum and being bisexual now doesn’t mean I was lying to myself or others when I was gay. My sexuality evolved and I’m OK with that. Are you out as a bi+ person?I am. I was out as gay, so coming out as bi was both an easy and complicated task. Easy because it never occurred to me to remain in the closet, something I am eternally grateful for. Complicated because people were used to me being gay, were used to me only dating women and seeing me any other way, took some people time to get used to. Some people never accepted it, which was difficult to accept at the time. For many it wasn’t an issue at all. Funny story - my now husband and I almost didn’t get together because he thought I was gay. When we met there was an immediate connection between us, but he didn’t think it would ever turn romantic. It took a few months before I realised he had missed my coming out as bi, so I set him straight (pun most definitely intended!) and, well, we got married so you can guess what happened next. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
Least accepted - I’ve made no secret of the fact that I found the bi-erasure of the Yes Equality campaign difficult to deal with. So many bi+, trans and non-binary people were made to feel at best like allies in a campaign that directly impacted them and at worst like their experiences and feelings didn’t matter. I still feel anger, sadness and frustration about that.
The question I wish people asked - What can I do to help stop biphobia? This isn't something bi+ people can do alone. We need help. We need others to call it out when they see it. Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight. People's sexuality isn’t dependent on the gender and sexuality of the person they’re dating. Believe us when we talk about our experiences.
I've had bi+ experiences since I was very young. They never felt weird to me. I never stressed about it. Well, that's half true. I have two distinct memories of having anxious times, mainly I wanted to explore more with women, but I had no idea how to.
When I was about 22, and in a long term relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I began to wonder about being with women again. Because it was something I was still unsure of, I became incredibly focused on it. I spent a whole summer wondering if I was, in fact, gay. Anyway, all of this is to say, one day my boyfriend at the time walked out of the shower naked and I grinned while checking out his behind. And I had this sudden realisation (or affirmation) that no, in fact, I was absolutely attracted to him and men in general. And to women. And that was just undeniably true. A fact. And it was ok. It was a huge relief, because I hadnt been able to bring myself to speak to anyone about my feelings that summer. I stayed happily in that relationship for many more years. And I found my voice and talked about it with my partner and friends about being bi.
Denied a community, a language and experiences. I try not to be regretful, but so much of my anguish could have been avoided. That's why I volunteer as a coordinator with Bi+ Ireland. Visibility matters. It's also why I am labouring over this series, I think/hope it can make a difference.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?
I remember agreeing with some of the girls in primary school about how cute our mutual friend's older brother was. I hadn't even thought twice about what I was saying but suddenly I was being ridiculed. It was almost another 10 years before I told anyone that I was open to dating any gender. I think the first time I realised that other people did feel like this and that they identified as bisexual was actually while watching "Desperate Housewives" one night with my mam when I was about 15. I don't remember the character's name but I do remember him clearly articulating that he was bi and finding that exciting because it seemed to fit my own experience.
Still, seeing no LGBT+ people in the town where I grew up, and the lack of acceptance for those thought to not be straight resulted in many years of convincing myself that it was best to stay in the closet. My sexuality became a source of significant anxiety for me, though nobody else would realise this. Later, in my final year of college, a drunken confession to a gay friend led to my first time kissing a guy. It was only then that I really knew that I wanted to embrace my sexuality for what it was. It wasn't easy, it took more years, but I began to come out and to explore my identity and our community. Getting involved in LGBT+ activism really helped this process! Are you out as a bi+ person?I am lucky enough to be out to my family, friends and colleagues. However, coming out took a long time. For several years, it was just a few close friends and my girlfriend at the time who knew, and I barely ever talked about it. It is only since the months after the Marriage Equality referendum that this has been the case though. This campaign gave me the chance to participate in LGBT+ spaces without fear of being outed or of feeling like an outsider. I met many fantastic people during this, including my first boyfriend. This gave me the confidence to come out, and this was the most liberating thing I have ever done. It wasn't easy, and it was particularly difficult to ensure that people understood my bi identity, but I'm fortunate to have friends and family who support me and the LGBT+ community. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?Most accepted - I've immersed myself in the local LGBT community since coming out and in activism more broadly. I feel a tremendous sense of belonging in these spaces, but my bi identity is often not known or forgotten about. I'm usually assumed to be straight or gay depending on where I am and who I'm with. The most accepted I've ever felt as a bi person was the first time I met the other coordinators from Bi+ Ireland. We shared our stories, much like this, and it was refreshing to have the usual interest and acceptance to be accompanied by real understanding.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?I wish people would simply ask what the best aspects of being bi are instead of making the usual assumptions. I would tell them that it is liberating to be part of, and learn from, a group embraces true diversity, practices radical inclusion and combats oppression of all forms.
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This organisation is run 100% by volunteer coordinators. We welcome donations and promise 100% transparency with our spending. Learn more here.
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Bi+ Ireland is a network of people who fit somewhere under the bi+ umbrella, and who have close ties to Ireland. We are community group run by volunteers. You can reach us at biirelandnetwork@gmail.com.
As a pro-choice organisation we support Together for Yes - the national civil society campaign to remove the 8th amendment from the Constitution. |