When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?It's not just a phase! Being in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex does not mean you're straight, and being in a relationship with someone of the same sex does not mean you're gay. A lot of people seem to forget that.
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 I had an overwhelming crush on her before I'd even hit puberty; just looking at her had me struggling to breathe. It made me squirm and look away, and then look again. I couldn't stop looking. I didn't learn the term for what I was experiencing until later, having picked it up through an overexposure to adult literature and fanfiction. I was 12 when I learned the term and 13 when I dared to mumble it in front of a girl from school that had knots forming inside me whenever I was alone with her. Are you out as a bi+ person?I am as out as I can be without shouting it from the rooftops with a megaphone while planes streak the bi-pride tricolour through the air overhead. I've been out online since I was a teenager, though it was to a few select people that I trusted. I didn't come out to people offline until the summer of 2014. I was almost 22 at the time. That summer was when I came out to family, and it didn't go well in the least. I was told I couldn't be trusted to go on a vacation alone with the most wonderful female friend I could ever ask for - even though we all knew she was as straight as an arrow. I was no longer trustworthy, as though being attracted to women made me a danger suddenly, as though I couldn't control the urges I felt. Understandably, I was more hurt than I can ever express...but I pushed past the pain of that moment. I refused to retreat into the closet. If anything, I became more prideful. I've come out to more and more people since then. I don't think it ever stops. But I still get to choose who has the right to know who I am because some don't deserve the right. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?I have never felt more accepted than when I discovered Bi+ Ireland existed. Largely, I'd been isolated from other people like me. I felt like I was the one queer in the entire village. Online friends living in other countries were the one solace I had at the time. I was suffocating from loneliness and isolation. But that changed in 2016. The shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando happened earlier that year, and that was what drove me out the door. It drove me to attend the Pride festival scheduled in Cork City, and it was the first time I'd ever been brave enough to do so because I was an introvert that often struggled with anxiety. I went to the Pride Picnic and came upon one of those info books that gets printed around that time. There was an article from a member of Bi+ Ireland inside. I almost ran home once I was finished at the picnic and I scrambled to turn the computer on. I found their facebook page as soon as possible and liked it immediately, and I was quick to inform the administrators that I wanted to join the secret group being advertised on their page. That night I was invited to join an unofficial meet-up later that week. I couldn't breathe. I was shaking with nerves. It was the first time I ever dared to go to a bar where I wouldn't know a single person. The first thing I saw when someone from the group arrived was a man wearing a purple shirt and pulling a bi-pride flag from his backpack. I almost cried in relief and euphoria. I was home. The shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando happened earlier that year, and that was what drove me out the door. It drove me to attend the Pride festival scheduled in Cork City The moment I felt least accepted? That was during the marriage referendum in 2015. My best friend was on her erasmus in Germany, and I was visiting her family, because her home had become a refuge to me whenever mine was too toxic for me to cope with. I went to her house so I could breathe. I went to her house so I could feel loved and wanted. I made the mistake of mentioning how excited I was for the impending referendum and my best friend's mother thought I meant the other one. I was quick to correct her. The kitchen went dead silent as soon as the words escaped me. It was as though I'd been plunged into the heart of the Atlantic at the height of winter. No one spoke afterwards. I was being driven home within an hour of mentioning the referendum. Usually, my best friend's mother would drive me home after visiting, but she didn't drive me home that night. It was another visitor to the house that drove me home instead. While she was driving, she told me "it wasn't personal." But it felt damned personal. It felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart with a shard of ice. She went on to say, "We don't talk about the referendum in that house. It just starts arguments between the parents and kids." Neither of us spoke after that. She dropped me outside my house. I had to hide the trembles in my hands as I opened the door and stepped inside. I didn't speak to anyone. I just went down to bed. I broke down in tears. What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?I just want people to ask: How can I help make it better?
I want people to want to help us.
When did you first know you were bi+?I knew I was bi before I knew what bi was. My first childhood crush was on a neighbourhood girl. It wasn't until secondary school that I heard someone identify as bisexual. I knew then what I was and that I didn't seem to be alone. Except bisexuality wasn't as advertised. The people that had brought me my awakening had also brought me my shame by telling me that bi didn't mean you actually liked boys and girls it meant you were gay but just not ready to say it. I knew that wasn't me so back to square one I went. Are you out as a bi+ person?For all intents and purposes I am out. Outwardly very proudly but with a lot of internal shame. Both my public and private coming out experiences where traumatic and not initiated by me and it has hindered how I express myself within my own family. I am trying to mention it a little more, let everybody know its not a phase. Positive responses so far. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?How does it feel? How does it feel to be erased under the guise of priviledge? How does society impact you as a bisexual woman? What can we do to make it easier?
When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?I understand people's desire to be curious and to educate themselves and sometimes questions come across as more awkward than intended. Sometimes I'd Just like someone to ask if I'm OK? It gives me the chance to access some support if I need it. So I can share a good or a bad experience and improve my day. Editor note: The above mentioned group is not the National LGBT Helpline, which is a group we have close ties with, but a smaller defunct regional group.
That wasn't a surprise as I hadn't known or known of anyone who was non-binary so it was possible that I could be attracted to non-binary people. It was more surprising when I was attracted to women. When I looked back around 22/23 there had been two other women I had been attracted to but when I was 25 I had very strong feelings for a woman and gradually I realised that I could be attracted to women and though it was a confusing time it was a lovely surprise. I realised I was pansexual in October 2015. I was 25 and at the time I thought I was too old to be figuring it out but in hindsight I know I wasn't. You never are too old to find out something so important to your identity. And stories are different. Some people might have ideas they are or might be when they are younger and some people might not. But there is no more valid way to be your sexuality whatever your sexuality is.
Are you out as a bi+ person?It's a slightly complicated answer. I'm out mostly. I told my sister in a very casual chat the day I realised. She had been with me all through my journey to figuring it out talking to me and stuff, making sure I was ok. So she was cool with me been pansexual and I was cool with her been straight and that was that. I write a lot about pansexuality in varying ways so I'm out to almost everyone. But my mum doesn't know. It would be easier to tell her if I was gay or bisexual but because pansexual isn't really known much about I think she'd think I was "part of a cult". My mum isn't very good with "new" or "unfamiliar" things. In consequence I'm not out to any extended family. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?As an introverted writer, I would say I escape quite a lot of positive or negative reactions. However in the media or on the internet you see some wonderful positive reactions and stories of people who are pansexual and that makes me feel very happy and warm inside. I feel less alone. On the other hand there is many negative reactions in the media and on the internet and it can be quite hurtful. There's so many misconceptions about pansexuality and sometimes it can seem like we aren't thought that we even exist. It can feel like there's many steps on the ladder to go. What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?
Find more from Lisa at: culturevultureexpress.wordpress.com
I remember being fascinated by the concept. But I also remember clearly getting the impression from it that bisexuality was something incredibly rare. I don't remember if my 12 year old self had any inkling that I might not be straight. I do remember thinking that if it was that rare, I had nothing to worry about.
The next thing I remember was a couple of years later. I can't recall the context, but I have this memory of me, awake through the night terrified that I might be gay. I guess I must have been about fourteen or fifteen? But I shoved that feeling right back down - I knew I had crushes on guys, and bisexuality was really rare, wasn't it? So it must not be me. Being anything other than straight felt impossibly scary to me.
Are you out as a bi+ person?
I sure am!
It's weird, though. I'm not sure how it's possible to be more out than I am - especially after I said "I'm Aoife, and I'm bisexual" in front of how many thousands of people at Dublin Pride? But when I'm in lesbian spaces, people still assume I'm gay all the time. And I still don't correct them most of the time, because I feel a lot like that means I have to be a perfect bi person and sometimes I just want to drink a lot of gin and dance badly (like really badly) and not have to defend myself, you know? I feel badly about that. I put myself under a lot of pressure to be out. I feel so lucky - my family and friends love me just as I am. I work in a company I cofounded where most of my coworkers are queer women. I have a ton of privileges that so many other bi+ people lack. If I can't be out everywhere, then who can be?! I often wish that there was a way that I could simply be out, without having to repeat it all the time. I feel like there are ways that people can signal to the world that they're gay, that are pretty much understood. They aren't ideal for everyone, but they exist. But there isn't really a way that you can be that leads to people assuming that you're bi+. You have to say it over and over again, and you have to defend it constantly. You don't get to just come out and be done with it. That's exhausting. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
As for feeling least accepted?
I hated the pressure during the marriage referendum campaign for bi+ people to keep relatively quiet about our orientations. That time was incredibly difficult for all LGBTQ+ people, of course. But every time I saw the phrase "equal marriage for gay and lesbian people", or heard about how this was going to be so important for gay and lesbian people, my stomach lurched. Because it felt like, just as much as the No side was against me, even the Yes side wanted to shove people like me under the carpet. Like many people, I worked hard during the campaign - knocking on doors, talking to everyone I could, writing articles, even sending handwritten notes to everyone in our apartment complex to ask them to vote for our rights. It hurt a lot to know that the campaign that meant so much to me wouldn't even admit that it was fighting for equal marriage for bi people as well. It felt like we were too shameful to put on a poster. That still hurts, if I'm honest. What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?
I wish they'd ask what it is actually like being bi+ in the world, and that they'd listen without preconceptions.
We get asked the same questions all the time, you know? Normally trying to put us into a "really" gay or "really" straight category. And then we get told the same things- either that we're really one or the other, or that we're privileged 'cause we can be in both gay and straight spaces. I wish people would ask what it's like to have to spend your life being assumed to be something you're not, no matter where you go. I wish they'd listen to how it feels less like a privilege, than being continually shoved into one closet or another, over and over again. How stifling it feels to have different aspects of your self dismissed, and how the small bi+ spaces that we create feel like breathing fresh air for the very first time, every time.
I wish they'd ask what it's like to always have to worry about coming out to the person who you fancy and who fancies you back. To have to handle insecurities and misconceptions about your orientation from your partner. To have the person you love see your sexuality- the very thing that drew you to them in the first place- as an obstacle to get over and not something important and good about you.
When did you first know you were bi+?
Are you out as a bi+ person?
I would love to say I am fully out as bi but I don’t think it is that simple. Nearly everyday people see me with my cis male partner and my baby girl and assume I am heterosexual. All too often I make a comment of a female celebrity crush and I am met with confused looks, that’s when I find myself coming out once again. Although at least now I am confident in my sexuality and confident that I can take on any challenge in my stride. Though to be honest since I first came out at 15 I have generally speaking not been afraid to say who I was. Despite being locked in bathrooms, being spat upon and losing my first beautiful girlfriend to biphobia I always tended to stand up for my sexuality and fought for respect of those who meant to put me down. That was of course for everyone bar my family, it wasn’t until MarRef that I found the confidence to come out to my family while ranting about the need for people to vote yes.
When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
In fear of sounding cheesy I have never felt so accepted as when I became a coordinator of Bi+ Ireland. Amongst our amazing online community I have found my people. I have found those who understand the frustration of hearing the phrase “Oh she is gay again” and I have found wonderful people who are just so beautifully kind and considerate. On top of our outstanding group I realised something else on becoming a coordinator of Bi+ Ireland: a level of respect I didn’t know my sexuality had amongst my family. A cousin in particular is very fond of directing any bi+ friends in our direction proudly stating my small involvement in the group.
As the weeks of campaigning escalated and the ferocity of the debate heated up I found myself crying alone on more occasions than I wish to think about.
In contrast the MarRef lead to a lot of moments that had me feeling anything but accepted. Like many people I advocated a Yes vote any opportunity I got. I was involved with several Yes Vote campaigns and community groups. As the weeks of campaigning escalated and the ferocity of the debate heated up I found myself crying alone on more occasions than I wish to think about. From personal attacks to more generalised social media frenzies the cruelty of the campaign hit me time and time again. However amongst all this the moment that stands out for me the most is while I was at a community yes vote planning session. In this tiny room of allies I was the only LGBT member in the group. But all too often I was reminded by these allies that I was not actually “LGBT”. One day in particular we were recording videos on why we wanted people to vote yes to post as part of our social media campaign.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?
Simple: 'How can I help?'
Whether that is an lgbt organisation asking how can they help integrate Bi+ into the space. Or someone asking how they can help fight biphobia or bi erasure. Like everyone in the world us bi+ peeps need help and I wish people would just ask how they can help!
I grew up in rural Ireland and as a teen I'd have loved to have a safe space to be myself and discuss my sexuality with peers, but I never had that. This experience immediately drew me to the advocacy side of our LGBT+ community when I did find them, so I threw myself into being involved in LGBT+ spaces in college. Sadly, these spaces were where I experienced some of the worst biphobia of my life... but it empowered me to try and stay involved and change these experiences for others. I want to help build spaces and understanding for our bi+ community, where we're not erased or reduced to a joke. This journey led me to becoming involved with Bi+ Ireland, which is honestly one of the best decisions of my life! Are you out as a bi+ person?
When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?The one thing I wished I was asked is from gay-centric spaces and "LGBT" organisations. It's "How could we do better to include bi+ people?" There is so much progress with the gay and trans movements that has me beaming with pride, but I'm tired of bi+ people being marginalised in the majority of LGBT+ spaces. We need to do better.
Tell us about you!
Are you out as a bi+ person?I came out toward the end of my time in grammar school, first to someone who I thought might be bisexual too (who came out to me pretty much simultaneously), and then to others I trusted. Soon I was quite assertively out there, even if still not out at home. I took going to college as an opportunity to be fully out, and was active in the LGB (now LGBTQ+) society, leading it during the second year of my studies. Since then I’ve been pretty thoroughly out in just about every context and circumstance including at work, in professional organisations, to my kids, and so on. How I’m perceived is another matter though, and people will almost always assume you are monosexual. When I was younger I was sometimes read as gay, and now I’m almost always read as straight, either way an assumption that isn’t correct. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?Most of all when among other bi+ people. Bi+ Ireland itself would be a prime example, and the last three years at Pride when I’ve marched with them have had much more of a sense of belonging than the first Prides I went to in the 1990s. But there have been other times in my life when I’ve been in groups where several of us where out as bi+ and it was just part of the norm of that group. Circles that might sometimes be considered “alternative” like the kink scene and the pagan community can often be among the most accepting groups, but they can also be among the least so, too; being deemed as outside of the mainstream can often encourage acceptance but also lead some to exclude those who are outside of that perceived mainstream in more ways than one.
What is something no one asks you about being bi+ that you wish they would, and what would you want to tell them?Whether we feel we might have a different perspective on some of the assumptions cissexist-heterosexist society expects us to make, because just sometimes we can do; not to an extent that gives us any sort of get-out-conditioning-free card, but enough to make different contradictions stand out
Questioning my sexuality in my 20s was something I didn’t expect. It wasn’t without its ups and downs, what the fuck moments, lots of soul searching and dismantling the internalised biphobia I felt that lead me to say and do some things I wouldn’t say or do today. I eventually realised that for me sexuality is a spectrum and being bisexual now doesn’t mean I was lying to myself or others when I was gay. My sexuality evolved and I’m OK with that. Are you out as a bi+ person?I am. I was out as gay, so coming out as bi was both an easy and complicated task. Easy because it never occurred to me to remain in the closet, something I am eternally grateful for. Complicated because people were used to me being gay, were used to me only dating women and seeing me any other way, took some people time to get used to. Some people never accepted it, which was difficult to accept at the time. For many it wasn’t an issue at all. Funny story - my now husband and I almost didn’t get together because he thought I was gay. When we met there was an immediate connection between us, but he didn’t think it would ever turn romantic. It took a few months before I realised he had missed my coming out as bi, so I set him straight (pun most definitely intended!) and, well, we got married so you can guess what happened next. When have you felt the most accepted as a bi+ person? The least accepted?
Least accepted - I’ve made no secret of the fact that I found the bi-erasure of the Yes Equality campaign difficult to deal with. So many bi+, trans and non-binary people were made to feel at best like allies in a campaign that directly impacted them and at worst like their experiences and feelings didn’t matter. I still feel anger, sadness and frustration about that.
The question I wish people asked - What can I do to help stop biphobia? This isn't something bi+ people can do alone. We need help. We need others to call it out when they see it. Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight. People's sexuality isn’t dependent on the gender and sexuality of the person they’re dating. Believe us when we talk about our experiences.
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This organisation is run 100% by volunteer coordinators. We welcome donations and promise 100% transparency with our spending. Learn more here.
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Bi+ Ireland is a network of people who fit somewhere under the bi+ umbrella, and who have close ties to Ireland. We are community group run by volunteers. You can reach us at biirelandnetwork@gmail.com.
As a pro-choice organisation we support Together for Yes - the national civil society campaign to remove the 8th amendment from the Constitution. |
